Imagine you accidentally woke up somewhere between plugins and libraries and hear this dialogue…
– My Lord!?
– Yes, my son.
– I’m staying here in the middle of nowhere and want to ask you the permission to die.
– Why you’re asking such a thing?
– I don’t wanna live there with all the other software and their plugins and system requirements. They are so demanding. There are millions of files around me, but all I want is clear house. I can’t live that way. Please give me permission to die and increase the version number and send it to our users.
– No way!
– Why?
– This is your destiny – to live in harmony with other software.
– Oo-key!
– You can crash some computers. Users will send us the crash-dump files and we will figure out how to get your living much better. I will direct all my angels to fix all errors and we will send an update.
– Oo-key!
– My Lord!?
– Yes, my son.
– Some of my users telling me that I’m stupid, because I don’t have some functions that other software have.
– They don’t need them. They will use these other software anyway even if we create a superCubase including all known features from all known DAWs. Some people make music with one acoustic guitar on the street, others need all Spitfire Audio libraries, all Native Instruments libraries and they release one single in couple of years. Other composers use small libraries, add stock plugins and release at least one album per year. So who is stupid?
– I know!
– Who?
– Not me!
– Oo-key.
– My Lord!?
– What, my son!!
– Can I crash Hans Zimmer’s Cubase?
– Noooo!!!
– Why?
– He is working seriously. Don’t touch his setup!
– Would you say that other users are not working seriously?
– No! There is another one.
– Who?
– Tom Holkenborg.
– Who is this guy?
– You should know him. He is posting great videos about he is using you.
– You mean Junkie XL?
– Exactly!
– Oo-key!
– My Lord!?
– Yes, whatttt!??
– Can you send a free upgrade to 10th version of me to this guy who is writting this story? Only an upgrade. He already on 9.5 pro.
– No way!
– Why?
– Yesterday he told to all that despite of many crashreports he will buy an upgrade at least for one reason.
– Which one?
– Next year he will upgrade for half of price!
– Aah, yes – money, money, money… You don’t have a heart.
– What?!! I should feed my angels, you know.
– Ou, excuse me, my Lord! My fault.
– Oo-key!
– My son!?
– Yes, Father!
– You know it’s Black Friday coming soon.
– You mean… I will die?
– No, some users will upgrade and you will stay in the same room as a peace guard for only one purpose – when user will stuck with new version, he always will love you again.
– Yeah, I know. Like Hans Zimmer still loving Cubase 7.
– Why do you think so?
– I saw video. This was an interview by ABC News.
– That was very old video. You know this guy, who is writting this story, have a very old HP laptop with Windows XP on it. Last year he installed SX3 and composed some instrumentals which will never sound that way in newest versions of Cubase.
– Really?
– Yes. My angels won’t redevelop these brilliant plugins they had in SX3 version until Cubase 5 and 6. They say it is not possible despite of plenty messages where people asking to redevelop these synths for newest versions.
– Oo-key!
– No, it’s not okay! Some people are building walls of analog synth. Some people are buying vinils. Some still use tape delay. You know that one in France who celebrated 50 years in music. So I guess we should redevelop oldies goldies.
– Of course, my Lord!
– My Lord!?
– Yes, my son!
– Good night, my Lord!
– … and send me aaaa-aa crash dump. Will make you aaa-aaall happppy. Merry… Chrrr—hrrr–ristmas!
(Author: Arthur Neeman (eg me), 10.dec.2018)